Minutes of the Final of the 2007 Irish National Law Debates

National University of Ireland, Galway ~ 10^th February 2007

AND so it was that the final of the Lit&Deb / Law Soc Irish National Law Debates 2007 was held here in the Aula Maxima this time last year. The motion for the evening; ‘That This House Would Return the Six Counties to a United Ireland’. Throughout the minutes, we’ll all play a game called ‘Spot the Slander’.

In first proposition for the University College Cork team ‘Crane, Poole and Schmidt’ was Derek Lande. A hushed silence fell upon the Aula Maxima as he got up to speak, as the crowd asked themselves, Could Derek Lande create a Model so perfect, that He Himself could not defeat it. The answer was of course, no, otherwise he would have won. Derek began explaining his plan. The Six Counties, or the Occupied Territories as he referred to them, would be handed over to the current Irish State, while the Planters would be kicked out of office and reparations paid from the British to the new 32 county State for their 805 years, 7 months, 12 days and 16 hours of continuing oppression. For indeed, we are the Most Oppressed People Ever; the Jews have nothing on us. Furthermore, Derek told us how the British government would pay to send the Unionists back home to Britain where they belong, and with them being Protestants, they’d be sure to take any money offered. He said how we do not recognise the legitimacy of Northern Ireland or the 1921 Treaty, saying how that Corkonian traitor Michael Collins sold us out, and that what the British did to our nation is just like what the Israelis are doing to the Palestinians today. Derek concluded his speech by quoting Michael Clark, who I don’t know myself but seems to be some mythical debater of years gone by. ‘We rose but we were defeated. But we rose again. Let us rise’.

In First Opposition was Chris Kissane from Trinity’s team ‘Shakira Shakira’. Chris began by saying how as a student of the College of the Holy and Undivided Trinity of Queen Elizabeth near Dublin, he is sick of papist Fenians angry that they lost the war. He attacked Derek the only way a debater can, with words, and said how he can’t complain about a border drawn up by a fellow Corkman. Chris said we shouldn’t take on board one million angry unionists because they’ll probably try and form a voting bloc and get elected to power in a new Ireland, in a move that sounds suspiciously close to democracy. A united Ireland, he said, would only result in UVF bombs being planted in Dublin and Cork and Galway.

Art Ward was the next to speak in proposition of the motion. He said how the only reason the Unionists are up there in power in the first place is because some pikey from Cork stuck his name on a death warrant without the will of the people. Art claimed the Unionists had stayed in power for all these years through using an artificial majority and by gerrymandering elections, thus bringing a dangerous amount of fact and reason to the debate. Finally, he told us how with taxes being lower in the Republic than in the North, the Unionists would be silly not to take advantage of our fantastic Fenian offers.

Shakira Shakira’s Josephine Curry finished off 1^st Opp’s argument, saying how we are all misunderstanding the level of scumbagery that exists just north of the border. Uniting Ireland, she said, would not be in the interests of moderate Catholics, but subhuman Celtic-supporters. In essence, Josephine was trying to tell us how the North is just a big pile of Knack and we should avoid these work-shy welfare monkeys like Kate & Gerry McCann avoid justice. Josephine also claimed that bringing them into our country would dilute our pure Irish culture; our pure and unadulterated Gaelic, Anglo-Saxon, Norman, Viking, Irish culture. She said how things are better now than ever in the North, with politicians finally addressing real issues like healthcare, schooling, and imprisoning the unemployed, and how the Proposition’s model would send us right back to the Troubles. Finally, Josephine told us how being Irish doesn’t mean you have to live in the Republic or hold a passport or be governed by Our Dear Leader Bertie Ahern, Glorious Bringer of Light and Dodgy Planning Permission.

Jess Harvey-Smith opened the case for team ‘David Boughton and Diarmuid Early’. Jess began by saying the continued British occupation of the Northern counties is Britain’s cardinal sin, just like America and slavery or Germany and the Holocaust, and you call all insert your own Holocaust jokes here. She said how the Nationalists will be in a majority in the North within a few short decades and so the Unionists might as well give up now from a position of strength. We were told how all opinion polls taken in the Republic show an overwhelming majority favouring a United Ireland. Jess concluded by saying how although the British will look back with fondness at the Troubles, and even though they prefer their terrorists green than brown, giving back the six counties will eliminate the threat of terror in Britain in the future and will benefit us all.

Noel McGrath opened the case for 2^nd Opposition for the composition team CUS A. Noel asked that his speech not be recorded on the audio so Fianna Fáil wouldn’t discover his partitionist mindset, so we only have a few sentences of his speech taken, but of course, that doesn’t stop us from making stuff up and just saying it’s what he said. His speech was apparently blindingly excellent in every single way. ‘We are different communities with different cultures’, he probably said to an assumedly enthralled audience. Then he might have taken a Point of Information or two. Noel then presumably spoke of how the North is Britain’s problem, not ours, and then could have made some interesting points about the nature of a majority or the role of the state in a liberal democracy, or maybe how the Republic has outgrown the narrow-minded attitude still existing in the North. But alas, we will never know for sure.

Will Jones concluded the case for team David Boughton and Diarmuid Early and for the proposition as a whole. He said how as a matter of justice, Northern Ireland is Irish, saying, ‘as a matter of justice, Northern Ireland is Irish’. Will told us how a nationalist majority is on the way in the next few decades, and also brought a nice new argument into the debate by swapping ‘800 years of oppression’ with ‘eight centuries of injustice’. He said how the British brought only repression and famine to this land, and just like China should pull out of Tibet and Israel should pull out of the West Bank, the British should pack their bags and head home. He told us how self-determination does not come at the expense of the will of another nation, and that justice outweighs any democratic mandate. Will also reminded us that the government in the North is a sham anyway, with the Assembly being shut down every time a Derryman farts.

And so our final speaker of the night was pCíaran Denny of team CUS A. Cíaran began by saying we still have three unanswered questions from this debate. Who is Art Ward? Just how old is Jess Harvey-Smith? And when will Derek Lande actually retire from debating? He then said how the North is Britain’s mistake, and so it’s their problem to deal with. He went on and told us how the Loyalists still have guns and wouldn’t hesitate in shooting a few Taigs if we try to force them into a United Ireland. Ciaran said how Michael Collins was not a traitor in his eyes, saying how he died for my country, and reminded us that drunkenly singing rebel songs and smashing up things at the Oxford IV is all harmless fun, but when we sober up we have to realise those Harp-drinking scumbags up north don’t speak for us. Finally, he concluded by saying Derek can take his ballsy prop back to Belfast where it belongs

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With that the debate ended, and after the judges arrived back and announced the winners of the 2007 Final of the Galway IV as Noel McGrath and pCíaran Denny with Noel topping the Speaker Tab. These are the Minutes as somewhat accurately recorded.