Minutes of the 16^th Meeting of the 161^st Session

Historical Dramatic Night ~ 13^th March 2008 ~ Kirwan Theatre

AND so it was that the 16^th meeting of the year was held here in the Kirwan with Dan Colley chairing. ‘Cruel and unusual punishment’ had a new meaning tonight, known as the Historical Dramatical Night, or more simply, the monstrosity that emerged from the collective imaginations of the First Years.

But before that we had Private Members’ Time. Mike Spring proposed the motion ‘That This House Supports Universal Healthcare’. He began by solemnly declaring ‘I believe in the Welfare State’ which led to cries of ‘poppycock’ and ‘balderdash’ from the landed gentry seated at the back, who were seemingly unaware that the Lit&Deb hunting debate had been finished for some two weeks now. Mike told us how ordinary, hard-working people can be put on waiting list for months on end, and that this is shameful. Unfortunately, the phrase ‘ordinary, hard-working people’ is copyrighted by the Socialist Party or the like, and so the sandal-wearing, soap-dodging hippies will no doubt be suing us for royalties. Mike told us how preventative healthcare should be free and that the State should have a responsibility to look after its citizens’ health, and that private healthcare providers are only interested in making money.

Sean ‘B3K’ Butler told us how a) socialism is a lie, and b) we live in a meritocracy where you get more rewards for more work. He also said how the only way to bring about universal healthcare would be through massive taxation, and taxes are bad and stuff. He basically said ‘shweh’ to Mike’s idea of private companies being trustworthy of our healthcare by pointing to how they supply us with housing, water and food.

Muireann O’Dwyer, the New James Hope, told us how when you’re sick and in urgent need of medical attention, it shouldn’t matter whether or not you have insurance. New James also told us how funds are diverted away from front-line medical care in private healthcare companies.

Sinead Barry opposed the motion, saying how people are not dying in the streets because of a lack of universal healthcare, and that the State already provides free emergency care. The problem as she saw it is the inefficiency and too many administration jobs in the HSE, which as well all know, employees approximately 6.5million administration staff and 2 doctors.

Niamh McNally supported the motion, but no one was really sure what she said at this debate. She like many others were preparing themselves for the Historical Dramatics night later on with sweet, sweet alcohol, so her speech consists of adjectives and vowels mixed with vodka and coke. However, she did also tell us how ‘dentists keep dying on me’ and ‘I’m kinda tipsy’.

Zoe McNair opposed the motion, and began by urging all people with crazy-ass teeth to go private. Zoe told us how the public system is better for people trying to get organs, and that the real problem is the HSE’s misallocation of resources; like that time they tried to tackle MRSA by buying 50,000 bottles of disinfectant, but only one J-Cloth.

Kieran Emerich proposed the motion, saying that doctors should not be treating minor ailments in private wings while public patients are very ill in the public wings. Healthcare shouldn’t be dependent on ability to pay, but on need, he and Karl Marx said.

Dave Finn opposed the motion. He told us how the HSE is actually doing a good job given the circumstances. Just kidding. Dave said how the HSE is grossly-mismanaged and over-staffed with pencil pushers. He said how private patients do not always get treated before public patients, and that their insurance payments usually just get them private rooms, more pillows, and bigger tits.

Jackie Driscoll proposed the motion and said how it is a fact that if you have private healthcare, you will live longer, and that ultrasounds and cancer treatments are done much faster if you go private. Healthcare, she said, should never ever be about making profits from sick people.

Finally, Alan Lyons opposed the motion, and said we need to reform the current system and make more of a distinction between public and private healthcare.

With that, the motion was put to the house and carried. Of course the ramifications of Lit&Deb now supporting universal healthcare were widespread and immediate, with Bertie Ahern quickly succumbing to pressure from the Society to resign and let next year’s auditor have a go at running the country.

On so onto main business, the First Hopefully-Not-Annual Historical Dramatical Night, where our brave Lit&Deb heads selflessly put themselves forward to look the fool in front of everyone. First up was Zoe McNair as Saint Patrick on the motion ‘That This House Misses the Snakes’, who told us of the literally several snakes she banished from Ireland by gathering them all together and telling them to shove off. She said how she regretted this in hindsight, and that the snakes weren’t that bad after all.

Next up was Paul MacEoin as Fidel Castro on the motion ‘That This House Believes Communism will Always Fail in Practice’. Paul said how he done so for much for his people in 50-odd years of power, and that the American swine stop his medicine getting through.

Conor The American with a Snazzy New Haircut as William Wallace spoke on the motion ‘That This House Supports London’s Acquisition of the Olympics.’ With his Scottish accent rapidly turning South African he told us ‘England Forever! Ah Shit! Well, it’s all the same if you’re American!’.

Alan Lyons as Michael Collins spoke on the motion ‘That This House Believes the 1921 Treaty is responsible for the Northern Ireland troubles’. However, having wikipedia’d all the international treaties of 1921, I failed to see how the 1921 Russo-Persian Treaty of Friendship, or the 1921 Peace of Riga, or even, more obviously, the Franko-Polish Military Alliance of 1921 had any long term influence on Northern Ireland, so perhaps I’m missing something. Anyway, Alan spoke in a Cork accent for a while, and then sat down.

Next up was Conor Kelly in the guise of Adolf Hitler, speaking on the motion ‘That This House Supports the Existence of the State of Israel’. He told us how the myth of Atlantis is not a fairytale, but a prophecy of the Jewish underwater homeland and that we should all help them find home by driving them into the sea.

Mike Spring was our next victim, taking the role of Bill Clinton on the motion ‘That This House Supports Polygamy’. Mike told us how he knows Obama is up ‘to unspeakable shit with his unfuckable wife’ and that he just wants to move on to some freaky new Cuban girls.

Cornelia Carey as Elvis Presley took on the motion ‘That This House Would Ban the Consumption of Fast Food’. Cornelia told us how a Weight Police in Philadelphia go around weighing people and then shaming them with the results.

Niamh McNally as Marilyn Monroe spoke on the motion ‘That This House Would Ban the Depiction of Size Zero Models in the Media’. She tipsily told us how only little boys should have small waistlines and that curves is what femininity is all about.

Dave Finn was our thankfully final speaker for the night, and spoke as King Henry VIII, and briefly told us of his belief in sex before execution, and marriage for men, women, animals, and gays.

With that, the winner of the Historically Dramatic Night was named as Niamh McNally, the Runner-Up prize went to Mike Spring, while the 1^st Annual Most-Politically-Incorrect Speech went to Conor Kelly.

With that, the meeting was ended and we retired to Paddy’s Bar.

These are the Minutes.