Minutes of the 9th Meeting of the 161^st Session

17^th January 2008 ~ Kirwan Theatre~ T.P. O’Connor Memorial Competition

AND so it was that the first meeting of semester two was held here in the Kirwan with Paddy Cluskey chairing. Main business for the night was the T.P. O’Connor Memorial Debate, Gibs for big people, where anyone can speak on a wide variety of motions. But before that we had Private Members’ Time, with Beartla de Búrca proposing the motion ‘That This House Would Stand and Fight’. Beartla was of course referring to the imminent zombie attack on civilisation, and how we must stick together and prevent this zombie holocaust. Mike Spring opposed the motion, pointing out that creating an organised resistance to zombies is futile as they can’t think or feel. Mike did suggest that we write to the Irish Army and ask them to prepare for such a fight though. At this point two procedural motions we raised; that the word zombie be replaced by terrorism, and that the word terrorist be replaced by life-challenged. Both were passed. Following this the crowds demanded the motion go straight to a vote, in which it was soundly defeated.

Beartla then shamelessly proposed another motion, namely ‘That This House Would Use the Opium Method’. This was of course referring to Beartla’s flawless and well-thought out proposal to shoot anyone who is connected with drugs or anyone who can be proved to have ever thought about drugs. His plan was, as he admitted, brutal and ruthless, but as he said, in the battle against drugs ‘we’ve tried everything else so we may as well give mass-murder a go’.

Dan Colley opposed the motion, saying how it’s not in the business of the State to go around shooting people. Dan suggested we should help the drug addicts overcome their addiction and bring them back in wider society, thus confirming my long-held suspicion that Dan is nothing more than a caring liberal peacenik who would rather hug a criminal that imprison the unemployed.

Paul MacEoin agreed, saying drug addiction is a symptom of a wider problem- poverty, while Tony McDonnell claimed Beartla was a visionary of our time but said his model is a bit too extreme. Tony suggested we should imprison drug dealers more often and for longer sentences.

James Hope, Our Dear Leader of the Students’ Union, said how he is as much in favour of summary executions as the next guy, but told us how legalising some drugs would be a far better approach to the problem, and how the State shouldn’t take away our freedoms just in case we do something bad.

Sarah Bruen, HLM of the Law Society, and student at the real Law Society, said if drugs were legalised the A&E wards would be clogged up. She suggested we should charge drugged-up patients arriving at hospitals.

Dave Kane of Oxford Brooks College-don’t-you-know agreed with James Hope’s ideas and supported the Amsterdam example.

Conor Kelly proposed Beartla’s model, saying how if we shot all drug users, the State’s drug problem would disappear instantly. He also questioned why we should be nice to people who aren’t nice to use and asked why we should give druggies special treatment, confirming my long-held suspicion that Conor is nothing but a caring liberal peacenik.

Dave Finn said it wasn’t just the poor and feckless that are addicted to drugs, and pointed out that the wannabes snorting coke in the bathrooms of CPs, or as it should be known, STDs, are as big a problem as the ordinary decent students smoking weed. Although Dave did agree that carefully inserting a bullet in one’s head does stop one’s drug addiction, he said such measures are just a little bit on the extreme side.

With that, the motion was put to the House, and was defeated to cries of ‘naw, naw, naw’ from Beartla.

So onto main business.

Dan Colley spoke in favour of the motion ‘That This House Would Assassinate Vladimir Putin’. Dan said how good-old-Vlad was abusing his power murdering dissenters and shipping uranium to Iran. He told us how Vlad-the-lad was a dangerous man who could lead Russia into another Cold War. Finally, Dan offered to shoot Vladimir if the Lit&Deb would pay for first-class flights to Moscow.

Michael McHugh also spoke on this motion, disagreeing with Dan. He said how Russia’s economy has been revived by Putin since the collapse of Communism and that the Russian people have only ever known strong, autocratic leaders.

Alan Lyons was the last speaker on the motion, saying how the West treated Russia like crap after the slow painful death of Communism, and told us how if we shoot Putin, who will take his place but some other random lunatic.

Cornelia Carey was the first of many speakers on the motion ‘That This House Sees Right Through the God Delusion’. She said how the Church uses fear as a tool to control the people, and how people use the idea of a God as a safety net. God tried to make a point of information, but seeing as the results of a Lit&Deb debate on Him last year deemed Him not to exist, he was refused permission to speak.

Dave Kane disagreed with Cornelia, saying how we look as if we’ve been designed by a higher power. He also told us how there’s nothing wrong with a little faith if it gives people hope.

Mike Spring said if there was a God, it would be necessary to destroy him. Mike said we should stop looking for answers in the clouds but instead look inwards on humanity’s potential for good, confirming my long-held suspicion that Mike is nothing but a caring liberal peacenik.

Zoe McNair spoke on the motion ‘That This House Would Sell it’s kidneys and buy a couple of spleens’. Zoe told us how we should all donate our organs to needy transplant patients, and how a cash incentive would encourage more people to do so when we die. So essentially, when you look at it, Zoe was calling for us to be able to sell parts of our bodies for cash, which ties in nicely with tonight’s debate. Peter O’Toole thought differently, suggested we should instead sell our spleens to weirdoes on eBay, obviously aware of the emerging market for spleens online.

Nóra Ní Dhomnaill had the cheek to have a very difficult name to spell, and was the first speaker on the motion ‘That This House Would Intervene’. She took this to mean we should intervene for more tolerance for crazy people, like Lord 2p, Robocop, Bang Bang, the guy at the Oscar Wilde statute always going on about Thatcher, and Trinity College’s Matt-the-Jap.

Jackie Driscoll argued we should intervene in the American election, as the Americans are just too stupid to be relied on to vote the correct way, while Sean Aherne said we should intervene to make him supreme leader of the entire world. Sean told us how he is unbiased, unengaged with current affairs and totally uneducated, and is thus completely incorruptible and perfect for the job.

Ronan Harrington suggested we should intervene and set up suicide clinics, where depressed people could make a conscious and informed choice to end their lives. He said how Catholic Guilt had made suicide a taboo subject in Ireland, and that we should a lot of the grief suffered by suicide victims’ families is due to stigmatisation. Anthony Doherty said we should intervene and increase the speed limit on motorways, not that it would benefit him with the car he has. He claimed increasing the limit would promote better driving and would allow us to invest in more motorways.

Sean-from-Medicine proposed the motion ‘That This House Would Make the Right to Vote at National Level Dependent on Passing a Party Policies Exam’. Having already eyed-up several condoms on the prize table for himself, Sean said how such an exam would help stop bad governments getting elected.

James O’Donnell proposed the motion ‘That This House Believes Enough is Enough’. He told us how he lives in Corrib Village with all the young’uns. He said how it’s not a nice place to live in during the night time, or during the day time, and of how drunk people run riot shouting ‘you’re melting, you’re melting’ at randomers. He also told us of how the kids are all ‘off their faces’ on ‘The Drugs’ like ‘marriage-I-wanna’. Paul MacEoin said global warming had gone too far, and enough is enough. He suggested the Lit&Deb send a party to the Arctic Circle to claim it’s precious, delicious mineral deposits for the Society. Niamh McNally saw the motion as referring to the imposition of democracy on poor countries. She pointed to the now Bhutto-less Pakistan and how people are being killed in Kenya as a result of Western-imposed democracy, confirming my long-held suspicion that Niamh is nothing more than a Nazi who would kill you and everyone you care about given half a chance.

Muireann O’Dwyer spoke on all the motions. She began by shamelessly libelling our Great and Glorious Leader Patrick Bartholomew Ahern, Faithful Bringer of Light and Planning Permission for Shopping Centres. She said we should arm the Gardaí and use them to shoot Good Old Bertie and the harvest his spleens.

Paul Heffanen proposed the motion ‘That This House Would Arm the Gardaí’ saying how the criminals are better-armed than the Gardaí and the Army. Paul also spoke on the God Delusion motion, saying how touching your dick is a sin, that’s why the Christian Brothers do it for you. Ronan Fitzpatrick was also in favour of arming the Gardaí, saying how it would make Crimeline more interesting to watch and would improve relations with arms-exporting countries. Mike Spring instead suggested we should arm the civilian population seeing as we can’t trust the Gardaí.

Ronan Harrington spoke on the motion That This House Believes a Monk’s Place in Burmese Politics is Under the Wheels of a Tank. Ronan told us how having lots of monks crushed under the unforgiving army tanks increases awareness of their suffering here in the West. He told us how exactly 57 dead Burmese monks should raise enough awareness here to stop the carnage, and when questioned about the environmentally-damaging method of killing monks with tanks, Ronan replied ‘Burmese don’t give no shit ‘bout global warming’.

Róisin McGrogan spoke on the same motion, saying how we should replace the monks with monkeys. She said the military junta would not notice the difference and asked would the protestors be beaten off the streets if the army was being distracted by charming yet deadly monkeys.

And so the night finally came to an end, and the results were announced by Internal Convenor Conor Kelly.

The Winner of T.P. O’Connor Memorial Debate 2008 was Ronan Harrington for his suicide speech, and he went away with the fabulous prize of my bottle of wine. Runner-Up was Mike Spring who won a fantastic and rare Rosie & Jim video from 1991 while Best POI went to Dan Colley. Best Novice went to Paul Heffanen, while Funniest Speech was awarded to James O’Donnell who won a fancy almost-new dildo. Finally, weirdest speech went to Nora N I Dhónmaill.

With that the various motions were put to the House and variously carried and defeated.

TTH would sell it's kidneys, and buy a couple spleens

Null and Void

TTH believes humanitarianism is a 1st world affectation

Null and Void

TTH believes a monks place in Burmese politics is beneath the wheels of a tank Carried

TTH would assassinate Vladimir Putin

Defeated

TTH would make the right to vote at national level dependant on the passing of a party policies exam

Carried

TTH sees right through the God delusion

Defeated

TTH would arm the Gardaí

Defeated

TTH would intervene

Defeated

TTH believes enough is enough

Carried

These are the Minutes.