Minutes of the 7th Meeting of the 161^st Session

8^th November 2007 ~ The Capitalism Debate

AND so it was that the seventh meeting of the year was held here in the Kirwan, with Paddy Cluskey chairing. Main business for the evening was the age old clash of capitalism (good) vs. socialism (bad). But before that, we had Private Members’ Time. Niamh McNally (2^nd Arts) proposed the motion ‘That This House Would Write a Letter of No Confidence to our Government’. Niamh told us how the government is performing badly or something to that effect, and how Bertie’s big pay increase is a disgrace. She also came up with the scandalous proposition that politicians lie about what they’re actually going to achieve in office in order to get votes and stay in power. With this, the Sociological and Political Studies Department here at NUI Galway is currently embarking on a €3million, two-year investigation into this theory, and also on suspected government waste of taxpayers’ money.

Muireann O’Dwyer disagreed, saying how the government is doing okay, essentially giving a big ‘shwea’ to Niamh’s proposition argument. She said how we have historically low unemployment, and realistic and sensible policies from Fianna Fail and the PDs.

Mike Spring, a known socialist and suspected Arts student, said how Fianna Fail did not create the economic boom we currently enjoy, and that they have failed to bring prosperity to the lower classes of society.

Sinead Barry (Commerce) said how we should strike now while issues are still fresh in people’s mind, kind of like how the MRSA is still fresh in patient’s lungs.

Tony McDonnell, like a wise old man, warned us we will reap what we sow when we no longer have the money for lavish spending on roads and paying welfare monkeys to breed. ‘He also told us to stay away from the old Wilson house, that there be trouble up them parts, you hear’.

Brendan McGowan (Science) explained how this is a fresh government with a new mandate; saying ‘this is a fresh government with a new mandate’. He also made the point that we in Ireland don’t elect governments, but local representatives that care about their own constituencies more than the country at large.

Artimus Jones (3^rd Arts, class of 1917) told us how disillusionment with the government is not suprising seeing as people are allowed to vote for their leaders, instead of having a clear hierarchical power structure in society, built on centuries of high class and rampant inbreeding. He then apologised for his early departure as he had just received an urgent communiqué from Petrograd that some vagabonds had only gone and shot the Tzar.

With that, the motion was summed up, and passed.

Next up was the main business for the evening, with the motion ‘That This House Would Close for Business’. Joe Higgins, leader of the Socialist Party and the kind of guy who’d refill his bottles of Ballygowan from the kitchen tap every day, opened the case for the proposition. He said how capitalism is a ruthless system that must be replaced to bring about fairness in society. Ireland’s economy has become dependent on parasitic speculators in the property market and how we should plan our resources to meet humanity’s needs.

Back in the real world, Dr. Aidan Kane of our own Department of Economics, said how there is a close connection between private property and civil liberties, and that capitalism has brought untold progress to humanity. He concluded by saying how

Ireland struggled as a closed society and that absolutist left-wing and right-wing beliefs are dangerous.

James Hope proposed the motion, saying how there’s no point in having a vote that gives you no economic power, and that South America is the best example of democratic socialism in practice. James also told us how if states cannot control the economy, there will be chaos.

Tony McDonnell told us how capitalism allows individuals to run their own lives without interference from the State, and how the profit motive has encouraged innovation and helped create the Celtic Tiger.

Beatla de Búrca said how we as a species are not capable of being socialist, as we are inherently self-centred.

Karl Marx, the founding father of communist thought, made a surprise visit to the Kirwan, and said how he refutes everything he wrote in his books and denounced his own theories. He then did a quick line of coke on the cover of ‘Das Kapital’ and sped off to exploit the proletariat and sell property.

Paul Murphy said how a system that kills thousands of people every day cannot be defended, and that the world is divided into the oppressors an the oppressed. He also did the typical socialist thing of saying how Cuba has a great healthcare system.

Brian Swaine said how a democracy that allows a huge concentration of wealth in a few individuals is not true democracy at all. Socialism, on the other hand, spreads power among all.

Dave Finn said how it’s the extremists on both sides that cause the problems, while Donal McGarry told us how capitalism is founded on coercion and exploitation.

Sinéad Barry condemned the Shell protestors for breaking the law in Mayo, and said how the civil service is more of a parasite on society than industry.

With that, the motion was created, debated, concentrated in the hands of the few, distributed according to need and finally, defeated.

These are the Minutes as Recorded.