Minutes of the 3^rd Meeting of the 161^st Session

11^th October 2007 ~ The Galway vs. Dublin Debate

AND so it was that the third meeting of the year was held here in the Kirwan, with Paddy Cluskey chairing. The meeting opened with the minutes of the previous meeting being passed without objections; surely a testament to the God-like recording skills of the usual Recording Secretary EMMET CONNOLLY! ! !, with his smouldering charm and devilish good looks. And modesty. As I speak, Emmet is down in McSwiggan’s with the guest speakers, driving up the Society’s bar tab, safe in the knowledge that someone else has to read out his crap.

Main business for the evening was the great Galway vs. Dublin debate, chaired by Ross O’Carroll Kelly, a.k.a. Paul Howard. But before that, Peter O’Brien began Private Members’ Time with the motion ‘That This House Believes Sex and the City has set back feminism fifty years’.

Peter firstly addressed the concept of feminism, saying how it was a blight on society to infect poor young wimmins with the idea that they are somehow equal to men. He then said how the programme revolved around men, fashion, and glamorous living an set a bad model for young wimmins, in that all they’ll want to do in life is go out getting themselves into a hape and scoring random men.

Muireann O’Dwyer responded by saying how it’s all about women being given a choice to lead that lifestyle, or something to that effect, and that feminism is akin to equality, or something to that effect.

Zoe McNair said how although women were given a choice, they all chose the same non-feminist lifestyle, and constantly define themselves by the man in their lives. Zoe is also the person reading this out right now; ‘I’m Zoe, waah waah wahh’.

James Hope originally spoke in proposition of motion, but then saw Muireann’s point, and quickly switched his position faster than Kate & Gerry McCann cleaned up that suspicious blood stain from the boot of their car. *Cough* Guilty *Cough* Just admit it, you liars *Cough*.

With the speeches made, the motion was put to the floor, and owing to the majority of persons present being wimmins (and also the fact they apparently do have voting rights here), the motion was defeated.

With that, Private Members’ Time was ended and everyone in the packed Kirwan Theatre were treated to the main business debate, ‘That This House Believes There is Something Rotten in the County of Dublin’. Present in the Kirwan that night were 400 young people, brought together in this fine hall for one purpose; to defend or ridicule the Dublin Jackeens. The passion the audience had for the debate was truly palpable, and they all definitely weren’t just here for Ross O’Carroll Kelly. Yep. They absolutely, positively did not turn up just to hear from the new book.

So on with the debate.

John Moriarty opposed the case for the proposition, saying how Dublin is a horrible place from which he escaped to Galway; most likely on the 14:10 from Heuston to Galway, stopping at Newbridge, Portarlington, Tullamore, Athlone, and Athenry. At this point in writing the minutes I realised I needed more filler in order to get the desired four-and-a-bit pages down. John said how Dubliners regard everything outside the city as ‘the country’, or as it’s now called, ‘the commuter belt’.

In opposition, Barry Cushell, one of our many Token Southsiders for the night, told us of how his slogan for the new TK Maxx on Stephen’s Green was turned down; ‘TK Maxx: Where Knacks buy Slacks’. He said how we as a nation are facing a choice between the old Ireland and the new one. A choice between hang sammiches and chatting up nurses in Copper Faced-Jacks; and paninis and scoring top models in Reynards, like the permanently surprised Glenda Gilson.

Dan Colley continued the proposition, saying how Dubliners conversations consist of two types; the inherently violent shams shouting to each other as they head to Supermacs, and the South Siders talking about their king prawn mosattos and whatnot. Dan said how we are now living in a city state full of Ross O’Carroll Kelly types and that we should instead declare a new republic; a United Counties Of Western Ireland, or UCOWI, where we can have rugby and soccer teams to be proud of. Dan concluded with shouts of ‘IT CAN BE OUR UTOPIA! WHO WILL FOLLOW ME?!’.

Peter O’Brien then concluded the opposition’s argument. He told us how Dublin is a real city, unlike this tiny medieval hamlet, swamped with pubs and filthy students. Dublin, he said, is a divine creation, a vision of beauty, created by God himself. And Vikings. He also said how Galway’s solution to every problem is to just build more roundabouts, and that Dubliners pump millions of euro into the city during the Arts Festival just to keep us ticking over during the winter months. He concluded by saying how Dublin has the best hobos in the country and that all Galway’s hand-dryers are made in Dublin.

With that the motion was opened to the floor.

Peter O’Brien again stood up, and said how he repudiates everything he just said, and hates Dublin and wants to leave it.

Paul MacEoin told us how the problem was not the Dubliners, but the wannabe Dubliners; living in Kildare but pretending to be from Killiney.

Mike Spring said how it is the culchies that commute to Dublin to work every day that keep the city afloat.

Muireann O’Dwyer said how we can just claim victory over the Dubliners by heading to Croke Park every September and take their All-Irelands.

Sean Aherne said how all Dublin girls look the same, with people unsure of which person is actually their girlfriend.

With that the evening’s speeches were over and the motion was put to the floor, and was overwhelmingly passed.

These are the Minutes as Recorded.