On Thursday 9th February a great number of teams arrived in ancient City of Tribes to compete in the most prestigious debating competition that Ireland has to offer: the Richard E. Kirwan invitational. The preliminary rounds were nerve racking and hotly fought, or at least they would have been had more than 4 teams turned up. More on this to come…

In other news our auditor and vice auditor were no where to be seen yet again, this time in the name of a free meal. Mr. Sean Butler opened the 15th meeting of the 159th session of the literary and debating society, formerly literary and scientific society, to great applause and cries of resign. The Great and Honourable Master of the Rolls, the ever dapper, handsome and immensely intelligent Recording secretary read the minutes to laughter and awe as per usual. Two objections were raised; one objection was relating to the absence of pregnant naked women chained to kitchen sinks in the minutes. The other wasn’t funny…

The first PMT was proposed by Vincent “Super size me” Lacey (arts) proposed “TTHW introduce a tax on fatty foods.” He said that he was not just a man, but a fat man who had overindulged in SuperMacs for too long. Bad puns ran wild as he talked about the “increasingly large problem” of obesity in society, saying that by increasing tax by 100% on fatty foods he would reduce the number of heart attacks. Opposing was Zoe “I like touching men wearing Corduroy” McNair (arts) who gave her speech intermittently while she eating a large chicken and mayonnaise sandwich. She said a blanket tax won’t work as being fat is like an addiction: fat people just can’t help themselves. Under Vincent’s model fat people would supposedly eat themselves into poverty. Beartla “I’m from an island in the middle of the Atlantic” DeBurca (arts) said he wasn’t going to be crazy in his speech. Wanting to punish fat people he decided that reviving a law from the middle ages was the way to go about it. In his model all those people unable to fit into a medium sized leather belt would now be taxed. Stephen “The great Dictator” Nolan (arts) arrived and more bad puns began to fly. He said that problem of cholesterol was very close to his heart. Rather than taxing fatty foods, something that would affect choice and variety, we should educate the fat people among us so they can repent. Next up was the ever handsome and dapper recording secretary, Mr. Cluskey (arts). He placed blame on McDonalds and others for the big problem of obesity in society. He said that 1000’s of lives would be saved and that taxing fatty foods was no different to taxing cigarettes and alcohol. Rooney, the pedantic PD, was once again causing trouble for our clerk as he refused to shut up. Our clerk was forced to throw Rooney over his shoulder and carry him out of the house. It was decreed that he would be allowed re-entry in 10 minutes. Next up was Martin Collins (law) who unveiled his ambition to become the next Mr. Muscle by suggesting a new dietary plan called “the 12 steps to becoming like Martin.” He talked about EC law and said that some people are just prone to being overweight. Stephanie stood up, became confused and sat down again. Cathy “would sell her soul for SuperMacs” Egan (1st AA) said that by taxing fatty foods we can save the health service a fortune. Next up was Stephanie “I’m from Clifden yet have never seen a cow before” Joyce (Faculty of McDonalds) said that arts students are better than all the lawyers and bankers. This is why arts students resent working in SuperMacs as they are “better than them.” If less people consume fatty foods then there will be more unemployed arts students, something that would inevitable cause the economy to grind to a halt. Hmmm…no, don’t think so. The motion was summed up and defeated.

A motion of no confidence was proposed in the chair by Stephen Nolan. The chair called upon the recording secretary to take the chain. Unfortunately the vice-auditor was present and claimed the chain for herself. The motion was defeated and the chain returned to Mr. Butler. Mr. Butler then called upon Mr. Nolan to take the chain to chair main business.

The motion for main business was “TTHB there is no such thing as a spare embryo.” The judges: Mark Hanniffy, Sharon Dillon Lyons and the CA Sheilagh Mc Guinness. Opening for the last Bastard progeny of the virgin Queen (TCD Historical society) was David Baughton. He proposed introducing a condition whereby those intending to go for IVF would have to give up any “spare embryos” for medical research as there was a need and a benefit. Opening for UCC Philosophical society was Diarmuid Early who said it was a great “honour and a privilege to make the final.” He said that the drive for curing diseases like Parkinson’s had been driven by research in adult stem cells and that the value of life goes beyond that which is strictly “alive.” Closing for 1st proposition was Ciarán Denny who said that “scienticians” found it difficult to acquire adult stem cells in sufficient numbers. Once the embryo is removed from the womb there is no chance of life as they become “things that can never be people.” Closing for 1st opposition was Tiernan Fitzgibbon who said we should devote more resources to current practices and that an embryo can become human outside of the womb. Opening for 2nd proposition was Derek “Jimmy” Doyle who said that he could understand women. Following this there was much shrugging of shoulders and shaking of heads. He said that those embryos that are frozen are burned after 10 years. Proving just how much he knows about women, he said that if the embryo is not in the womb, then a “pretty essential step is missing.” Opening for 2nd opposition was Daniel P. Mc Carthy from T.I.T. The speaker refuted this point saying he was from an organisation even worse, the UCC LAW Society. Using erratic hand movements he told the house that parents have property rights over their embryos. He also talked about pragmatism saying that people wouldn’t like being forced to give up their embryos. Closing for 2nd proposition was Tony Murphy. As he took to the podium he was heckled by a number of first year girls who thought he had a nice ass which I believe they have a picture of. He said that research based on potentiality was a good thing as it had the “potentiality to help humanity.” Closing the debate was Luke Harris who equated compulsion to blackmailing people into overriding their morals. He said that science should have an ethical compass. The judges were then asked to retire and consider their verdict.

The motion was opened to the floor. Donna “Medically blond” Cummins (med. And health science) said that parents who know the suffering of not having your own children would allow the motion to pass so as to help others. Robert “now a PD” Rooney (law) said that a significant number of people believe embryos are entitled to life. With an absence of clear consensus you should not act. The judges returned and Ms. Shelagh McGuinness delivered their verdict. The winners of the very first Richard E. Kirwan Invitational final were Daniel P. Mr McCarthy and Luke Harris of the UCC law society. The motion was put to the floor, carried and carried again after a recount.

It seems now that those who took part in main business were only a scouting party for a much bigger contingent that were on their way. The meeting ended as security descended into the hall. Armed with moderate intelligence and miniature Irish flags they proved a force too great for any debater to recon with… All retired to DeBurgos for some more elucidation, conversation and just a little bit of mastication. That is all. Nunc Nunc qui timot eloqui. Now now who fears to speak…