Unsinkable ships sink, Unbreakable walls break, sometimes the things you think would never happen happen just like that, Unbendable steel bends, if the fury of the wind is unstoppable, I've learned to never underestimate the impossible. Yes! Ladies and gentlemen, Boys, girls, vagabonds, rag dolls, puppets, all and sundry, it was upon this week that the recording secretary, the great and honourable Master of the Rolls, the handsome, the funny, the intellect Mr. P. B. Cluskey was to ascend to the position of chairperson. More on this breaking development to follow…

In other news the 10 th meeting of the 159 th session of the once named Literary and Scientific Society took place upon the 24 th November 2005. It was chaired by The Great Dictator, Mr. Stephen Nolan. The minutes were read to applause and great laughter by the dapper recording secretary Mr. Cluskey. The auditor then announced that the Irish Times final was to move back to Galway and Mr. Robert Rooney was congratulated for securing the bid. Having the Irish Times final means two things: firstly and incredible night out is guaranteed and secondly I will get to deliver minutes to an audience of over 300 people. Those pedantic members of the audience now may grasp the gravity of the situation: allowing me to speak to 300 people! Perhaps a random introduction on eggs… For such a special occasion I have decided that it shall be my solemn burden to present the minutes in haiku form.

The first motion was proposed by Mr. Robert Rooney, a random gossip, and was “TTH regrets the presence of UlTRASOUND on campus.” He argued that as they had not used the correct means to secure a room, effectively lying, they should not be allowed to speak. Opposing was Mr. Vincent Lacey said, as per usual, very little. He mentioned something about free speech. He also may have said that people can make up their own minds on the organisation and that they should not be condemned outright. Next up for proposition was Liam Hennely from the SU who said that everything Robert had said was right! Speaking in opposition was Mr. Taarquin Lynch, Celtic Civilisations, who said that the entire escapade had been blown out of proportion. At this juncture the auditor handed the chain to Mr. Butler, who was stylishly dressed in a hoodie. Mr Nolan talked about a number of issues relating to free speech and said that an organisation like ultrasound does not deserve the platform to deliver their message. The final speaker for proposition was Ms. Laura Gistout, who once described Robert Rooney as a freaking hot piece of meat. This isolates Ms. Gistout from the female population of the house as I'm pretty sure few other consider Mr. Rooney as a hot piece of meat. She told us that in America , there are numerous organisations like Ultrasound and that they are a bad thing. Jim Roggers, Arts, spoke but the account of his speech shall not be recorded as it has mysteriously disappeared. The motion was summed up however Mr. Nolan, forced to pursue black humour made a crude remark about the unborn which resulted in him being aborted from the house. In all the confusion Mr. Butler forgot to declare that the motion had been well passed.

The earth began to shudder and tremble as the day when the holy and blessed chain of the Lit& Deb touched my shoulders. We will pause now to consider the enormity of what has happened. [Pause: angelas bell rings.] Four horsemen were also said to have been seen galloping across the dark, starless sky as it happened. Their current location is unknown. “Would the recording secretary please approach”- Mr Butler's words called me forward as it was I who was to chair main business as Mr. Butler was speaking and Steve had been aborted. As the holy and blessed chain touched me I was filled with a tremendous sense of power. My consciousness, as it was already superior to anyone else that has ever come into contact with the chain, was not altered… I called the house to order.

The motion was “TTHB SANTA CLAUS is dead.” Opening the debate was Sean Butler (science post grad). I wondered how he might define the motion. Who could possibly kill Santa Claus and for what heinous reason. Well, according to Sean, the church did in a clever move to escape competition laws. Zoe “the only contact I have had with Susan Tracy was when I was on my knees in front of her boyfriend” McNair (arts) who has now added Martin Collins to her list of former auditors, by, well…getting down on her knees in front of him. She said Sean was a megalomaniac and a “quasi scientist.” She challenged the church's teaching and declared Santa to be immortal. Knifing his team mate in the back was Jeffrey “Stab” Rockett, a common limerick man. He talked of his overwhelming hatred of Santa and told us that he had strangled him to death. We believe it happened after Santa turned him down. At this point Mr. Rooney, ashamed that after just one year in the society I had gotten the chain before him, had fetched me a glass of cranberry juice to make be go to the toilet. Suspecting it contained laxatives I was disinclined to drink it. Closing for 1 st proposition was our very own random Kerry woman, Ms. Noelle O' Riordan, who said that as Jeff killed Santa, she was in total agreement with the American law banning children sitting on Santa's lap as Jeff was a pervert. Opening for second proposition was Ross McMahon who extended the model and talked about the freezing elves in the North Pole. He also claimed there was no proof that Santa is alive. Stephanie “the artic crow” Joyce said: “bad kids, bad kinds, what you going to do when he comes for you.” At this point it is unclear to whether Ms. Joyce was referring to Santa or in fact Jeff. Closing the debate for opposition was Dan Colley who talked of the Japanese confusing the whole idea of present day civilisation by having a toy Santa being crucified on a cross. Cathy Egan told us all that “itinerants are bastards.” This is unlike Cathy in the sense that most of the man she's been with are itinerants… Towards the end of her speech she decided that it was necessary to liven things up by giving me, Mr P. B Cluskey, a lap dance. As I had nothing better to do at the time I allowed the lap dance.

The power of the chain lifted my spirts high and they soared among the clouds but alas, for all good things, the Berlin wall, Fascism, Stalin, Eamon DeValera, must come to an end. Mark Hannifey proposed a vote of no confidence in the chair as a question mark over the chair's impartiality had arisen during the last speakers “speech.” The vote was defeated. The crowd loved me: they cheered hysterically but alas, a recount was called for. Again I won my vote of no confidence. So determined was Hannify to allow Rooney have the chain, an event that that is much like the end of universe as they both have the exact same probability of actually happening. Again the police of fun persisted. Next came a point of order from Mr. Collins who said that an impartial chair had to chair the vote of no confidence. Rooney's day had finally come as no one believed me when I declared that Collin's point of order was not consistent with the standing orders. As Rooney ran towards the podium to claim the chain an unusual thing happened. Benny Hill music roared throughout the hall and Mr Stephen Nolan dashed towards the podium. The race was on. Nolan travelled well throughout and held the persistent challenge of Rooney, who made a mistake at the final fence - on the run-in to score by two and a half lengths. Nolan took a view on the victory, pushing the winner out from 8-1 to 9-1 for the Chain but other bookmakers kept him at around the 7-1 mark. "He had a terrible journey over all," said Collins, Rooney's trainer.

So Nolan was to chair yet another vote of no confidence in Mr. Cluskey. I have always maintained that Ms. Egan did not raise any issue of impartiality. Mr Nolan declared the vote of no confidence to be passed on two occasions. It finally came down to counting hands. As Mr. Nolan is an arts student and so cannot count, I was to lose the vote of no confidence. I bowed my head low. “Farewell all joy's. O let Death come close mine eyes,” I cried out as the heavens burst apart with tears of deepest sorrow.

Anyway, on with the meeting. Vincent Lacey was next up who talked about Jeffrey's newly discovered large sack and was looking forward to his “present.” Claire “I cook and clean for half the price” McGowan spoke in opposition and said that Santa is alive within all of us. Unfortunately this is what people say when people are in fact dead. Steven Lydon (bridge builder) sang a ballad of happiness: bow down, bow down, before the power of santa, or, be crushed, be crushed by his jolly boots of doom. Sinead “I am a man and a midget operates my body” Barry said that parents only say Santa is dead so they can take the credit for the presents. Martin Collins said he didn't mind Christmas starting early as our lady began sometime in March. Laura “I'll have Vincent after Rooney as Vincent's boyfriend material” Gistout (American) said that Santa should be executed and that Christmas should be religious. Mr. Cluskey, broken and bent, after losing the chain declared, in his rage, a new, final crusade to convert all the world religions to the one true faith. The motion was put to a vote and defeated and defeated again after a recount. Santa lives! Vive la revolucion!

Probably the best meeting all year was finally brought to a close by Mr. Nolan. I got the chain, I got the chain! I chaired! Zoe felt up Martin Collins. Laura tried to sleep with Vincent! Cathy visited a halting site! Merry Christmas everyone!