I was working in the lab late one night, when my eyes beheld an eerie sight, for my monster from his slab began to rise and suddenly to my surprise he did the mash, he did the monster the mash. The level of relative attractiveness within Kirwan had plummeted yet again this week, as ghouls, goblins and rare puppets from the annals of television history called Bosco returned to the Kirwan. This follows a steady trend of increased average ugliness, blamed largely on the presence of Jim Treakle, a particularly unattractive engineer. But then I suppose engineers could simply be blamed altogether for the problem as I seem to blame them for everything else anyway. The Kirwan was set: a hundred spiders wove a tapestry of fine silken web the likes of which have never been seen; a hundred dwarves carved and hacked pumpkins 20 feet high and for once Vincent had set up the Kirwan on time. All was ready…

In other news the 6 th meeting of the 159 th session was opened by the apprentice Vampire in Training, Mr Stephen Nolan. He then called upon The Master of Rolls, Vampire in practice, Mr. Patrick Cluskey to deliver the minutes. The Master weaved down the steps, his menacing presence and blood filled mouth bringing the crowd to near silence. Nothing could be heard in that eternal silence except the hushed “cooo” of a frightened pigeon… The Corresponding secretary, dressed as recording secretary because he’s a law student. Don’t look down on him- that’s probably the most original idea he’s ever had. He read a mysteriously marked post card from Australia. Later he died- we think it was anthrax.

The first ‘Pre-menstrual-tension’ was proposed by Ms Donna Cummins (2 med. And health science), dressed as a saloon girl, i.e. a well dressed prostitute. The motion: “TTHW feed anorexics.” Her speech was delayed by the entrance of an amazingly horny nun and Bulmer’s original girl. She finally told us that we can help anorexics dying…on their death beds by feeding them. Stephanie Joyce, crossing a racial divide in the interest of harmony, went as a magpie instead of a pigeon, and talked about how anorexics won’t seek professional help if they know they will be force fed. Next up was Cathy Egan (2 BCL), dressed as a waitress/arts graduate, who’s idea of a cocktail is a straw stuck in a pint of Bulmer’s. She received a spot prize for her speech, however the auditor accidentally dropped it, forcing ms Egan to bend over and pick it up. No stranger to bending over, she picked up the spot prize superbly. 10/10. Anto Doherty, dressed as 157 airborne, said we need to find what puts them off food, suggesting Campbell’s catering as an example. Next up was a first time speaker in the house, Ronan Harrington, inadvertently dressed as Barry Crushell, who told us that anorexics should learn to appreciate their body’s, even if they don’t have one. Laura Gistout, dressed as a ‘love note’, whatever that is, said anorexics have a right to make up their own minds. Dave Keane, inadvertently dressed as Lorcan, said the F word, which Steve told me to record. You see- occasionally I record what happens! Jack Evans, having just realised he had not been pregnant for the last 5 years and that it was just “some gas and an anal infection”, talked of ‘bigorexia’. Niall O’Tuairgs (2 nd science), dressed in the evening attire of a dead mad scientist, said that if they want to die, let them, further hampering relations between science and everyone else. Beartla DeBurca (arts), dressed as the first knight of the order of the red shooting star (better or worse than the missing link, I wonder), said we should simply give anorexics their last meal and let them die. Martin Collins (law), dressed up as Bosco, said that the message that the state knows best has much wider implications. Zoe “to me a sneeze is like sex” McNare, dressed as a housewife who had just cooked brownies, said anorexics are not suicidal. Sean Butler (science), dressed as the baby killing machine that he is, said anorexics should feed themselves. He said it was a lifestyle choice and they don’t hurt anyone. I would disagree on this point: if a strong gust of wind lifted an anorexic into the air, they have the potential to do alot more damage than you think. Imagine if they hit something electrical. The motion was summed up and passed.

The second ‘Pre-menstrual-tension’ in this extended P.M.T. was proposed by Mr. Kevin Leavy, dressed as…Kevin Leavy (former auditor and HLM). It was “TTH regrets government plans to introduce a march commemorating 1916.” He spoke about the why it is a bad thing and also the battle of Trafalgar. Opposing was Mr. Robert Rooney, dressed as Rec. Sec. as he’s wearing robes, talked of what 1916 meant to the Irish people. Mark Hannifey (post grad), dressed as Darwin, talked of the negative aspects for the country if a march ensued. Loracn Price, dressed as a lesbian neo-con, talked of how O’Connell’s Street was much too big for the Irish army and that if the march went ahead we would signal to the rest of the world that we have a small army. Vincent “I smell really good despite being dead 25 years but I’m still bigger than Jesus cause she loves you yeah yeah yeah Lennon Pepper” Lacey (2ba) said the Irish weren’t playing fair as they turned up to the G.P.O. early, while the British soldiers were on holidays! D.J. wreck the Buzz, John Moriarity said he would speak from his balls. In this respect he’s probably a very typical man. Anyway he said something about the vote of the Irish people not being recognised. Martin Collins, still dressed as Bosco, said that the old I.R.A. idiocy was revitalised during the 1960’s. Last up was The First Year Dressed as Barry Crushell who said “from the past we learn from the future.” The motion was summed up and passed. Later Zoe continued her noble endeavour of feeling up forme auditor’s my adding a scared Kevin to her list. Martin: beware…

My birthday was celebrated on Monday by all and sundry. A big thanks to the first year’s who gave me a bell engraved with UC.D. on it, in remembrance of my heroic act last October. At least I can now saw that I have a better bell than Lit&Deb.

The zombies were having fun, the party had just begun, the guests included Wolf Man Dracula and his son. The music sang out til 5 A.M., scoring abounded as the alcohol ran, what’s left to say, I’m not really sure, except thank you all for a great birthday. Now everything's cool, Pigeon’s a part of the band, and my monster minutes are the hit of the land, For you, the living, these minutes were meant, When you get to my door, tell them Boris sent you.