Minutes:

Over the past few weeks it seems that I have developed a legion of loyal fans and despicable enemies. A number of unintelligent dim witted people, largely from Roscommon and Clifden, have asked me to answer what seems to them as the most fundamental of questions. To me the question seems ludicrous and ridiculously simple but alas, for the dim witted, incest stricken, men, women and fowl among us, I will explain the difference between Fridays and fried eggs. The most obvious difference between these two things is that one comes at the end of the week while the other comes out of a chicken. Listen closely because it gets more complicated than that. The egg doesn't generally come out of the chicken fried, at least not in my experience, and therefore an extra component is included in the process of creating a fried egg, that of frying of course. Also you are able to eat fried eggs on Fridays, but because of some funny twist of fate or just the celestial lord above playing tricks on people for his own amusement, you aren't able to eat Fridays on fried eggs. 'An egg is always an adventure', declared Oscar Wilde, and I tend to agree with him.

In other news the 5 th meeting of the 159 th session of the Lit & Deb was held in the ever blessed, Richard E. Kirwan lecture theatre on the 20 th October, and was chaired by ‘The Great Dictator' himself, Mr. Stephen Nolan. Mr P. B. Cluskey delivered the minutes to laughter and applause as per usual, and to no real objections. Fortunately I was not attacked this week as someone clipped the wings of the Pigeon rendering her flightless. The missing Link didn't turn up, obviously petrified I would sully his name in the minutes, which I dutifully did.

Mr Patrick Cluskey (2BA- Economics and Legal Science), Master of Rolls, proposed his first P.M.T. of the year tonight: “TTHW change licensing laws to allow minors into licensed premises after 9 p.m.” I talked about the rampant alcohol abuse throughout the country by minors and proposed that by letting them into pubs, we would cut down on underage drinking as the barkeep would be forced to i.d. people requesting alcohol, as per the American model. Opposing was Jeffrey “still the only gay Eskimo as D.N.A. tests as to his artic ancestry have proved so far inconclusive” Rockett (2ba) said that the proposed model would only increase alcohol abuse, as he didn't trust barkeep's to in force the law. Robert Rooney (3 B.C.L.) told us that a penguin was a friend for life, not just for Christmas. Anthony “one more cup of coffee” Doherty (2ba) said the pub, along with the local shop and parish church, was the centre of the rural community. Sean “The baby Killing machine” Butler (Maths post grad) proposed the ‘ignorant and smelly model.” At first I thought he would propose keeping those from Athlone out of licensed premises, but unfortunately ended up talking about how he hated smelly children. I think I would prefer the children… Sean Small (2BA) talked about staggering the closing times of pubs from area to area. At this point I could here voices. I tried to ignore them but they were telling me to burn things… Next up was Claire “I aim to please” McGowan who said that when kids see drunken fools acting drunk, they will obviously forget about their dreams of flying into space, travelling throughout the world and seeing Japan, in favour of getting drunk themselves. Yes. That's really true… Mark Hannifey (7 th science) talked about personal responsibility and MS. Sharon Dillion Lyons (2 law) talked of the un-workability of the model when faced with intoxicated parents. The motion was summed up and defeated.

Main business was started. The motion was “TTHB undergraduates are a waste of college expensive.” The members of staff participating in the debate were welcomed and thanked for attending. They were Prof. Brian Hughes (psychology) and Prof. Aidan Keane (economics). For the rest of the minutes I will have no more than 5 words in each sentence, no less than one. Brian Hughes opened the debate. He made a joke. Everyone laughed. He mentioned a Placebo trial. There would be no classes. There would be an exam. Arts students supposedly smell bad. Vincent “This week it was I who scored Dave Keane” Lacey (2ba) then stood up. “I smell,' he said. The audience agreed. They clapped loudly. Vincent likes sheep. Vincent agreed. Vincent clapped loudly. Then he got tired. Then he sat down. The end. Aidan keane (economics) said he enjoyed student protecting. “I really do” said he. Zoe liked his suit. She stroked him later. I suggested the idea. Then she sneezed. John Moriarity argued against him. Academics waste college resources. He said this. He was funny.

The motion was put to the floor. I'm sick of confining myself to 5 bloody words as everything I want to say contains more than 5 words, so I'm going to make ultra cool, ultra long sentences again. Stephanie “as you objected to being called a flying diseased rat last week, this week I'm calling you ‘The Gutter Bird'” Joyce (2ba) gave a pointless speech as to why she liked college. Dramatically at this point, for the first time in many years the Clerk was asked to throw someone out of the house. To cries of “free speech” and “I will never be silenced,” Mr Sean Butler was thrown out for telling the pigeon to cease her speech. Patrick Cluskey brought the debate back to the core principles of economics, arguing that we need more coal for export, so we can increase our balance of payments. I said we should send the useless people in society, such as graduates, women and foreigners, down into Dublin bay to collect coal, in an odd, but perfectly legitimate rant. Donna “Medically Blond” Cummins (2 med. And health science) said that the leaving cert would soon destroy pretty much all of life, the universe and pretty much everything. By the way the answer is 42. Martin Collins (Law) said it was a terrible shame that under-grad's no longer care about learning but only about getting degrees! Robert Gormley (arts) said that debate and talk achieves nothing. His tongue was blasphemous as he said there was no purpose for the debate that raged within the house. At this juncture, the auditor, Mr. Stephen Nolan, gave up the chain to Madam Vice-Auditor, Ms. Sharon Dillion Lyons. Mr. Nolan rejoined the crowd and an audience that dearly miss his ranting. He said that houses like the Lit & Deb have furthered the cause of feminism amongst other things, having female auditors before many other societies throughout the world. Robert Rooney stood up and demonstrated his anal knowledge of the inner working of the university, declaring that the governing council account to nobody. Finally Ms. Roisin McGrogain talked of acceptance tolerance and the meaning of liff, and the fact that those most vocal become our future leaders. The motion was summed up and defeated.

We aught revert to a time when men are real men, and women are real women, and pigeons are really pigeons as opposed to women who look like pigeons. How many roads must a man walk down, before you can call him a man? This question has plagued me since I came up with it 42 minutes ago. How many roads must a man walk down before you call him a man? In a dramatic turn of events I leave this conundrum for you to answer.