What is the Lit & Deb to the people of QCG/UCQ/NUIQ? What is Lit & Deb to the people who attend the meetings week in, week out? I speculate that these fine gentlemen know and see Lit & Deb the same way as an alcoholic/Cathy sees an ice cold Bulmers on a hot day, the same way Vincent sees fresh young lambs frolicking in a spring meadow of lavender, the same way Stephanie feels as she flies just before she flies into the overhead power cables, the same way Beartla feels on having one of his now famous “thoughts”, the same way an engineer feels before realising his personality can’t really be upgraded, the same way an Arts student feels before realising that Philosophy and English aren’t real subjects and finally the way Dolly the sheep feels before realising that Vincent is behind her.

On the 6th of October 2005 at 8.15pm, Mr. Stephen Nolan called the master of Rolls, Mr. P.B. Cluskey to deliver the minutes. As usual, Mr. Cluskey was looking infinitely better than Mr. Butler and delivered the minutes to no real objections. The Auditor then announced the second resignation from the committee, that of Ms. Sinead Laffan, external convenor.

John Moriarty (2BA) proposed “TTHW teach Creationism along side Darwinism”. He argued that these partially opposing views should be merged. Deep…… Seán “an English school-boy tosser” Butler (Science Postgrad) informed the crowd that Creationism had been disproved by science and that evolution favoured life. Knowing Mr. Butler, as I do, I have concluded evolution must have decided to skip Athlone several millennia ago, probably because no on ein Athlone really understood what evolution was, leading Athlone to fall into its present state of inbreeding & nervous twitches. Dave “he’s behind you” Keane (B. Corp Law) talked of bringing religion and science together in harmony, in a loose attempt to score a first year science student. Dan Colley (1st Arts) talked of his family tradition where an ox decides which is the best cut of meat for the Sunday roast. Mark Hannify (7th Science), began his speech as Vincent remembered that it is his job to set up the Kirwan on time. Mark damned his future livelihood, saying it was arrogant to declare Science has disproved religion. Roisin “censored” McGrogan (2nd BCL) called the teaching of religion in science class ridiculous. The motion was summed up and defeated.

The draw for main business was made and the competitors were given 15 minutes preparation time. The motion was announced: “TTH values peace over democracy”. At this point, the B-man, Seán Butler, (the one with the website) finally arose to take the holy and blessed chain from Mr. Nolan. On receiving the chain he felt the same way Erebor felt upon receiving the holy scentre of thor and Isies where St. Margete defeated the evil dragon of the Pocadot.

Jeffrey Rockett (2BA) proposed “TTHB the Government should pay for plastic surgery” arguing that ugly people deserve to be good looking too. Beartla “the missing link – as to what two species he is the missing link between I have yet to find out” DeBruca (2BA) told us that women get more breast jobs than men. How very insightful of him. Stephen Nolan (3BA), choosing not to prep for main business, addressed the crowd in PMT for the first time all year. He said that ugly people make him cry. Stephanie “is only really a big pigeon” Joyce (2BA) talked of how plastic surgery would make good looking people less important. As she spoke, Beartla wished he could tear off her silly pigeon costume right then and there and take her to roost…. I really, really wanted to speak but alas I was not called upon as there was no time. The motion was summed up and defeated.

The chain now passed to Martin Collins who was to chair Main Business. At this point the time was 9.30pm. The debate started – 3 hours later I looked at my watch and it was 9.35pm. The debate started and I wondered how it would go. Robert “Gossip Queen” Rooney opened and immediately upset everyone. Then he started speaking and everyone was really upset when he turned it into a Europe debate, and why we should adopt the constitution. Donna “Legally Blonder” Cummins (2nd Med & Health Sciences) talked using high powered legal jargon. The “legal eagles” were out of touch with “EU citizens”, whatever that means. Roisin “still censored” Mc Grogan said the EU constitution simply united all past treaties and made the EU more accessible. Sarah “amazing flying censored nun” Bruen (2nd BCL) wanted to give more votes to smaller people, saying that one blanket doesn’t fit everyone. Zoe “one sneeze = ? of an orgasm meaning she just had three” McNair spoke of one constitution removing the various contradictions spread across numerous treaties. Stephen “The Great Dictator” Nolan was against federalism, saying common social and foreign policies won’t work. Jack Evans (1st Arts) talked of how the constitution can stabilise foreign policy. Sharon Dillon-Lyons (2nd LLB) said that economics must remain a priority of the union. So moved was Zoe by Sharon’s performance that she sneezed 32½ more times.

The judges retired and the motion was put to the floor. Vincent “professional Taoiseach in training – Pro tit” Lacey wanted people to have a say. Orla O’Connor (1st BA) asked is there democracy in Europe, citing the Nice treaty as an example of a lack thereof. Niall O’Tuairisg (2nd B.Sc) talked of how we can’t give up freedom or democracy now. Dave Keane said something about something and sarah Bruen continued Dave’s line of reasoning.

The adjudication panel of Sister Avril O’Regan, Mark Hannify and Steven Lydon returned and the chair of the adjudication panel, Mr. Mark Hannify, announced the results. First place went to Steve and Sharon and second place went to Zoe and Jack.

We all then returned to Deburgos where sean was happy he brought his tie and Mark Hannify was felt up by a first year.

[The minutes are a work of fiction. All rights reserved.]