Minutes:

And upon this day the power of recording was handed to a maniac. Silence descended as all manner of debate, reason, logic and argument evaporated from our great and holy hall to give way to summer's brilliant sparkling sunlight, and summer's wonderfully long evenings and most importantly summers extravagantly home cooked food!! For those Uber-debating geeks among us who love debating more than sex or beer, summer is a time when you may experience both of these wondrous things with no fear of failing exams (except for those people who failed and had to repeat- for you the summer was probably one of the most awful, agonising summer ever!) For those of you who are interested my summer was awesome. I attempted my first climb of Everest in late July. The views were inspiring and uplifting. On my return I was attacked by a ferocious bear that processed super bear-like powers of strength and moderate intelligence. I slew the bear with one swing of my mighty sword, “ draag moordenaar.” It was only later that I realised, to my utter astonishment, that the bear had in fact been an ugly girl, who at that precise moment had been masquerading as a woodland animal. I discovered later why exactly this ugly Nepalese beast of a woman looked like a bear, though in retrospect I probably should have guessed. Her crying mother informed be that she had forgotten her razor blade.

And so it was that upon the 22 September of the year 2005, at approximately 8.20 p.m. Mr Patrick Bernard Gerard Michael Cluskey IV, “Master of Rolls”, and the venerable Mr. Stephen Nolan, “God”, entered the Kirwan. Mr Nolan opened the meeting to rapturous applause and shouts of ‘resign!'

He then called upon the recording secretary of the 159 th session, more handsome, more dashing, better groomed, fantastically more dapper, certainly more intelligent, than Butler ever was, Mr Patrick Cluskey IV. The minutes were read amid shouts of “strip” and “take it off”. I delivered the minutes successfully and without taking anything off, much to the disappointment of Ms. Caitriona Callanan, most vocal of my hecklers. As I read I felt that Mr. Butler could have done a much better job… Well his time is gone, the robes passed on.

With the minutes read Sean Butler and Patrick Cluskey presented a dramatic presentation of what life in the LIT&DEB is like, in the form of The PowerPoint, a one whose very name is feared. It showed the crowd how Lit&Deb drink sensibly. Despite objections being raised by Stephanie “I'm really only a big Pigeon” Joyce, and Cathy who felt it cast a bad light on her relationship with one ugly cork debater called Derek Lande. The PowerPoint was enjoyed by all, with a number of the house giving the pair a standing ovation for their work.

With that Mr Nolan gave the first state of union address to be heard in the hallowed halls of Kirwan in many long years. He told us many things; unfortunately these things were less important than my fight with a hairy Nepalese woman and so, due to space and the lack of a new minutes book, shall be omitted.

The first PMT was proposed by Keith “Mr Potatohead” Maye and it was “that this house believes women should only speak when spoken to.” Spuddy went on an anti-woman rant. He was forced to tell Roisin to sit down seven times and since Keith was of the superior sex, Roisin did exactly what he said: she sat down, listened to him, and then wondered what she would cook for dinner. She considered this for many hours and finally decided on an “Asian beef skewers” a delightful recipe comprising Strips of flank steak, marinated overnight in a very flavourful mixture of hoisin sauce, soy sauce, ginger, sherry, barbeque sauce, green onions and garlic. The only problem was she didn't have a man to cook it for…

Mr Peter P.P. O'Brien opposed the motion, comparing women to slow moving glaciers. They are large and move very, very slowly. This only really applies to fat women, like Mary Harney, a woman long described as being ‘larger than life.'

Roisin “The slapper from Prague ” McGrogain (law), a future housewife, went on a typical feminist rant about equal rights for all, even for those who don't deserve equal rights, like women. Martin Collins, Hitler, said that men and women were different, having discovered many of the most obvious differences sometime after meeting Ms. Susan Tracy. Laura Gistout, occasional arts, told us that there were minority groups within genders. Sharon Dillion-lyons, Lady MacBeth, the most evil living entity in the Kirwan and rumoured to be able to eat an full grown baby in just one sitting, told us that women sit around all day talking about taking over the world, while men are actually doing it. Zeta Catrilina (B.Corp) talked of the logistics of imposing such a motion. Emma Finn (1 st arts) stood up and spent the duration of her speech complementing Lady MacBeth's hair. Of course, if Sharon had a heart it would have melted at this point. Bob Cox, a trained journalist, told us that he hates women, largely because women hate him and will no longer sleep with him. Ms. Doran spoke about men always moving towards a goal. The debate turned into a debate about who is the stronger sex, who has the larger penis and why Women don't like Bob. The motion was summed up and defeated.

The second PMT was proposed by Mr. Kevin Leavy, (Former auditor and H.L.M.) and was most sacrilegious in origin. He proposed “that this house would not go to the pub after the meeting but instead to the door of Kenny's bookshop and never let them leave.” Kevin stated that the closure of the bookshop would have a negative effect on Galway , much the same as Vincent would have a negative effect on a sheep, or an engineer would have a negative effect on anyone they sat beside. Mark Hannifey, Churchill (7 th science and former auditor) argued that Kenny's shop was not just bricks and mortar and would lead to a better distribution of books. Cathy Egan, The lady in red, 2 nd alcoholic's anonymous, occasional law and trainee ball breaker, told us that she was from Balinasloe. By that I mean she said she was a farmer, had a slim comprehension of the English language and had learned the alphabet from a napkin in Supermacs. Deco, Economics post grad, pointed out that many people on the proposition had never even bought books there. The motion was summed up and carried. A re count was called and the motion was carried yet again. It must be noted that despite having his motion passed, Leavy did not go To Kenny's, nor did he chain himself to a railing, well not any railings that we know of…

With that PMT was closed and the part of the meeting that everyone was looking forward to… was not included. I had been promised that the best looking girls in Lit&Deb would strip and dance so I wouldn't have to listen to first years drone on about things that to me seemed pointless. Alas, it was not meant to be. Mr Kevin John Paul Ringo Leavy donned his academic robes, as it was he, not Mr Nolan who was to chair the Green Ignorant Bastards (GIB'S) Symposium. The judges were introduced as being old. The panel consisted of Bob “when did people in longford learn to read?” Cox, former auditor of “I can't believe it's not lit&deb”; Peter O'Brien who generously gave me my first drink, bought me my first drink and then finally got me drunk for the first time, leading me to tell everyone an interesting story about an old woman, her two grand daughters and large trust fund; Keith Maye, short former auditor; Baron Anto Mc Donnell, USI president and unionist; and finally, and by every means least due to her sex, Dr. Paula Walsh, former auditor and Rosin's mam.

The first Gib brave enough to take on the crowd was as usual American, and went by the name of Laura Gistout. She proposed “TTHB that reality T.V. is the lowest form of entertainment. She outlined her case by saying that there is a show where midgets compete against elephants to see who can tow a plane the furthest. It is believed that the inclusion of elephants has brought the show into disrepute. She also talked about mad Mexicans fighting each other for Green Cards. (“ARIBBA, ARIBBA!)

Edward O' Mahoney (B.C.L.) proposed “TTHW abolish computer games.” He told us that computer games created fat, dumb, ugly people. That explains Derek Lande, but what I don't understand is why no one has created a game with the object being to kill Pat Kenny with a bat. Next up was Jennifer Bannon (1 st women studies) who proposed that “ Ireland was and has never been a free state .” While her speech didn't feature midgets or Pat Kenny, she did ask, “What is freedom?” and claimed Fianna Fail was to blame for a lack thereof. Next up was Ariel (1 st arts) who debated on Bosco, not Martin Collins, but the puppet from the television show. She talked of big, long colourful things and the perversion of children, finishing with a rendition of ‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes,' proving that an Arts student can posses at least average hand-eye co-ordination. Emma Finn (1 st arts) proposed “TTHW not use racial profiling in criminal investigations,” saying that there was only one race, and that was the human race. Brendan Clarke proposed “TTHB reality tv is the lowest form of entertainment.” Trying to do better than midgets competing against elephants, he introduced the concept of homeless people being set on fire, saying it was a smash hit! Edwina proposed “TTHW sell its wedding to a magazine.” She told us that Jordan left little to the imagination, wearing only a small, thin, red cord sometimes. I suggest her cord probably covers up an infestation of warts or some sort of fungal disease! Zoe Canera proposed “TTHB reality tv is the lowest form of entertainment.” In the course of her speech she told us she liked Shakespeare, naked boys and women wearing throwers. I recommend she sees “A midsummer night's cream.” The critics called it “uplifting.” Brian o'Connell talked on the same motion, saying than animal documentaries were just as much reality tv as midgets and elephants were. He introduced a concept of a show he was working on where he would film animals wearing glasses, with a wide angled lens to funny theme song… Clita Gillespie proposed “TTHB computer games shouldn't be banned.” She said that computer games were a ray of light for people like Donna, who couldn't tell the difference between left and right. Sally wanted the vibrator, but Edwina had already snapped it up. She talked of the shortness of spuddy and how the growth had to have gone somewhere. However it's more likely that short people are just short, and that their lack of vertical height does not lead to some other growth, like a super power. Spuddy: with the amazing power to shoot potatoes at people. Steven Quigley (1 st arts) proposed “TTHW disband the Irish Army” on the grounds that if a farmer can defeat the army, what chance has the army got against a bigger foe like a caretaker… At this point Kevin and Stephen swapped their glasses. Realising that they could not longer see, they swapped back. Next Gib to take to the podium was Olivia Nally (1 st arts) who proposed “TTHW not illegally download music” claiming it was unfair to the musicians. Caitriona Callanan, The pink panther, (1 st b. arts isn't good enough for me) proposed that she would sleep with Paddy (that's me). She outlined her case under 3 distinct points, arguing the economic and philosophical reasons and finally taking a “common sense” approach to the motion. She had me after the second sentence but unfortunately her own arguments couldn't even convince herself.

Finally Dan Colley (1 st arts) proposed the persuasive ability's of Ms. McGrogain. After Bob checked that Roisin wasn't in fact under the podium “persuading” Mr. Colley, Mr. Colley was allowed to continue. He argued about what Rosin can do for you, unaware that her mother was chair of the judging panel. To find out more on “What Roisin can do for you” please ask somebody now about what happened between September and May of last year, paying particular attention to what happened at the hostel at the TCD IV.

With that the judges retired to the tearoom. Mr. Leavy then opened the various motions to the floor. Vincent Lacey proposed that he was from Clifden. He outlined his case by saying he wanted people to wear leather or PVC all the time, and that he wanted a tall, woolly sheep to leap out of his birthday cake. Mr. Leavy encouraged everyone to stay in LIT&DEB, if not for the debating but for the sex. Sean “a poncy English school boy tosser with a bad haircut, ugly and unintelligent” Butler proposed “TTHB the Rossport 5 are not the Birmingham 6.” He talked of how mayo people stand in the way of progress. James “the last hippie standing” Hope of undetermined facility talked of the importance of protecting the environment. He also addressed the “why and the how.” For more discussion on the why and how” of things please see philosophy years 1 and 2. For answers on the “why and how” of things please see sesamie street season two, episode 8, brought to you by the letter ‘H'. Laura Gistout talked of how sometimes you have to take illegal action to be noticed. Mr. Hitler stood up, realised that like usual he had absolutely nothing to say, and so for a change sat back down.

At that moment the judges returned and the token female adjudicator delivered the verdict. After offering medical advice to the girl winning the vibrator, and complemented the Gibs's on “speaking of the cuff” she announced the winners.

1. Laura Gistout
2. Steven Quigley
3. Noel

An honourable mention was also given to Edward. The token female adjudicator then handed back to Kevin, who handed back to Stephen. At this point I would also like to note that this is one of the last times that Peter O'Brien, Bob Cox, Keith Maye and Kevin leavy would speak in this house as each were moving onto to brighter pastures (Australia) and corporate capitalism (Kevin). We wish them all the best. Mr Nolan then brought the 1 st meeting of the 159 th session to a close, inviting everyone back to the local tavern for 234 pints, 78 shots, 38 glasses of wine, 3 cokes and 1 bottle of absinthe. Nunt nuct qui timot eloqui.