The Greatest Story Never Told

The Saviour John Mark Hanniffy

The Temptress Elaine "Blue Valentine" Dobbyn

Judas Fascist B’strd Enda Dolan

Simon Peter Peter O’Brien

Apostles Stephen Nolan

Greg Leddin

Declan Burke

Faithful man-servant Martin Collins

Faithful woman-servant Jane Cregan

Wailing women Sharon Dil1on Lyons

Tasha Jordan

Jennifer Allen

The Dark One Dave Finn

Centurian Barry Ryan

Caesar Riona Hughes

Pharisees Paddy Jordan

Mary Rose McNally

Eoin Ó Fiacháin

Pontius Pilot Oliver Begley Wall

Token Gesture Minority Daniel Duffy

Screeching "Barabas" Youngfella Michael Walshe

Women of the Temple of Kirwan Diane Halley

Shauna Gillan

It was the morning of the first day of the week of the feast of the AGM, and The Saviour of Lit'n'deb, John Mark Hanniffy was being paraded through the streets of Concourse, by the Temple of Kirwan. Much celebrating had taken place after the successful Lit'n'deb IV. "Hail, Mark Saviour of the Lit'n'deb" they cried, laying copies of SIN beneath him as he walked.

But all the while a sinister plan was being hatched by those jealous of Mark's popularity and organisational skills. Judas_Fascist_Bstrd had agreed to give Mark over to the Society Pharisees for thirty gigs of RAM The date and time had already being set, he would hand him over before the Celebration of the AGM.

By Monday the Pharisees’ spies had being hatching plans against him. In the Societies cubicle there was much downloading of attachments and playing of Scrod^TM. This enraged The Saviour, and he threw the Scrod^TM table over and cried, "This is a place of planning society events and writing strongly worded letters on headed notepaper!" His manservant Martin quickly came to his aid and brought him for his morning coffee. This enraged the Pharisees even further who whispered to all who would listen, "Is this not proof he believes he controls societies, surely he must be stopped."

On Tuesday he met the Temptress at the College Bar. She was waiting for her drink. "Woman," Mark inquired, "where is your husband?" "I have no husband," she replied. "That is true," retorted Mark, "for while you have all of music soc you yet have no husband.” "What are you drinking?" he queried; "Cider" was the answer. "I shall give you a cider," Mark told her, "but one that is original and will put time on your side, but it is not of this place, in fact it's a long way to that place."

On Wednesdays the Pharisees had sent their people to spy on the saviour and speak ill of him on the boards of Sin. “They say he will take control of Lit'n'deb and then engulf all societies into his teaching of pedanticism and practicality." Many people who heard this feared them and believed their prophecies of work ethic doom.

On Thursday, the morning of the AGM, Mark ate with his Lit'n'deb committee elect, and told them, "This is our Schedule for next year;" he then wrote it in his diary and it was done. He then addressed them, "One of you here will betray me" All turned to look at the Temptress but they knew that was not what he was speaking of. "Surely not I", they all said but he knew who was to betray him. "Well I'll defend you to my own demise" insisted Simon Peter, but Mark replied, "Before Stephen has scored three Corconian beauties, essentially, you will have denied me thrice." Judas_fascist_bstrd slipped away early unseen. Declan the Bard then piped up, "For you, myself and Greg plodded the street, perhaps you could repay us, by cleaning our feet?" "Not quite" was Mark's response but instead summoned The Ladies of the Temple, Diane and Shauna to wash the men's feet with their hair.

Later the same evening, in the Room of Chemistry Teas Mark contemplated his approaching Auditorship. He knew his moment was at hand but would be betrayed and sent Peter and Stephen the scribe to guard the room. But Judas_Fascist_Bstrd had set a trap for the lads by placing a bottle of Jameson fil1ed with laxative by the door. They drank it and rushed to the toilet. Mark vilified them and they agreed to stay guard and not drink the whiskey, but the Dark One tempted them and they drank more. While they were in the toilet the Pharisees arrived with their clique soldiers, among them was Enda. "The one who I address as Auditor, it is he", he then approached Mark and spoke the words of betrayal Immediately the guards seized Mark, but then Peter jumped in and kicked the one called Bob of Cox square in the nuts, but Mark healed them saying, "Now is the time."

They brought him to Pilate Begley Wall in the Institute of Ryan for Judgment. "This man says he will reform and improve societies," they said, "we want him tried and crucified." But Oliver liked Mark and asked him, "Do you believe yourself to be the saviour of Lit'n'deb and the redeemer of all societies?" he questioned. "Essentially, that's what you say," Mark replied. Oliver went to the people of Lit'n'deb, "Who do you want?" he asked, "Mark or Screeching youngfella?" By now the people bad turned against Mark and screamed, "We want screeching youngfella!" Horrified by this, Faithful woman-servant Jane slew Screeching Young fella, saying "Nerra good look to ya" and turned the sword on herself, fearful of what would happen. Oliver then handed over Mark to the Society Elders. "We have no leader except Riona," they cried as they led him to the Quad for execution. Outside Simon Peter waited anxiously fearful of what might happen. A lady of many images approached him saying, "Do you know this Mark, of whom they wish to execute". "Not a clue" was his reply. "But have I not seen you with him on campus?" she urged. "Nope" was his firm response. "Yes, you are on the same committee as he", she insisted, "I am on many committees", he answered, "but not with him" Just then the figure of tile recording secretary could be seen, with a young lady with the lilt of the Lee by his side. As he had pulled two Cork girls at IVs Peter realised what he had done and felt ashamed. But he soon got over it and asked the lady of the many images to accompany him, Stephen the Scribe and his Corconian to the bar.

When Enda realized the gravity of his actions he felt guilty and wired himself up to the now souped up Timmy and blew up 7 Sylvan Drive.

As they crucified Mark they wailing women, Jennifer, Sharon and Tasha lay by his side. "He is so refined" they wailed, "Why? You bastards!" Mark then began to feel irritable and requested coffee; they gave him tea to goad him. The guards cast lots for his robe and chain, as Enda wasn't there to draw up a book for them.

At the ninth hour Mark realised this was the time he'd written in his diary breathed his last saying, "Essentially, nunc nunc qui timet eloqui".

Then a great darkness covered NUI, Galway and the Kirwan split in two. The IMI collapsed and Riona fel1 to her knees. Paddy Jordan's hair fell out and frink crashed caused EOF to have a fatal epileptic fit. Then from the ground the Great Prince of Darkness came, seized the auditor's chain and slew Presidents Muircheartaigh and Ó Duinnin taking control of NUI, Galway. "Oh shit", "cried Daniel, "what have we done???"

St. Timmeh, Patriarch of Antioch,

3rd Precept of the Most Holy Church of Constantinople

(3rd Arts - Theology and Greek)